GORILLA VIRUS

by Gina Dellago

Behind the closed door of the "Dewey, Cheatam, and Howe" detective agency, Moe, Larry, and Shemp were all on the phones and kept making the mistake of answering each other's phone.  "Oh, yes, oh yes!  We're very, very busy!  Very, very busy!  Very, very busy!" said Moe, Larry, and Shemp repeatedly as they answered the phone.  Just then, two derby-hatted men, a portly one with a small moustache and a black suit and a scrawny one who was in his boxer shorts with pink hearts on them and a t-shirt.  Their names were Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy.

The Stooges were still answering the phones when Ollie shouted, "EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE!"  The stooges then stopped answering the phones.  "What can I do for you, gents?" asked Moe.  "Welcome to the Dewey, Cheatam, and......" said Larry, but Moe slaps him and says, "I saw these guys first!  Now what can I do for you?"  "You got to help us, we're scared!" said Stan with fright in his eyes and a weak tone of voice.  "Well, I'm not.  You see we've been getting chased by these thugs, and they stole my friend's suit!" explained Ollie.  "Oh, and get this, the thugs names are Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky!" said Ollie.   Shemp started cracking up, "That's one of the most stupidest names I've ever heard!  Were their parents dropped on their heads as babies?"  Moe came up to Shemp who was still laughing and said, "No, but you're about to be hit on the head!"  Moe hits Shemp on the head, his fist knocking Shemp into the ground,  but he gets up again.  Shemp then starts to give Stan a funny look.  "My name's Oliver Hardy, but you can call me Ollie.  And this is my life-long friend, Stan!  Stan Laurel." said Ollie, as he shakes Moe and Larry's hands, and accidentally shakes Stans.  Shemp heard Stan's name and chanted, "STAN! STAN! He's our man!  If he can't do it, no one can!"  "Shut up!" shouted Moe as he gouged Shemp's eyes out. "OUCH!"  "We'll be happy to help you guys!  You can depend on us because we always put the bad guys in their place!" said Larry.  "I'm glad we found you!" said Stan.  "We couldn't have gone to the police about this because they are very corrupt and apathetic in this town." said Ollie.

Shemp walked right up to Stan.  "Hey, do you box?" asked Shemp to Stan.  "You mean as in boxing?" asked Stan, and then Stan said, "I've never boxed in me life!"  "Yes you have," began Ollie, "You probably don't remember!"   "You're dressed like a boxer!" said Shemp in spite.  Then, Shemp started throwing his fists around and dancing, "C'mon tough guy!  Let's see what you're made out of! Hebebebebebebee!  "C'mon punk!  Put up your dukes! Hebebebebebee!"  Stan didn't understand what Shemp was doing.  "I haven't much of a choice!  My suit was stolen!" said Stan.  Shemp stopped and patted Stan on the back, "I understand kid," said Shemp, and then right out of the blue, Shemp sucker-punched Stan, which sent him flying into a garbage can.  Stan began to sob.  "Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't much of a choice!  I just sucker-punched you!"  said Shemp.  Moe came onto the scene.   "What's the matter with you?  We're supposed to help these guys, not fight with them!" shouted Moe as he slapped Shemp in the face repeatedly.  Ollie then got angry and threw off his derby and jumped on it and said, "Why do you
guys have to act so immature!  Why don't you guys act like gentlemen?!" said Ollie, with a sarcastic tone in his voice.  Larry found Stan upside down in the garbage can.  Stan sobbed, "I've fallen!  And I can't get up!"  Larry helped him out.

"It's our nature to act immature, Ollie sir!" said Larry.  "Listen," began Moe, "My partners and I will file a report, you guys stay here we'll be back!"  said Moe as he left the scene grabbing Larry and Shemp by the hair.  Larry and Shemp screamed in protest.  Ollie and Stan were waiting for them to come back in their office.  "I sure hope these guys could help us!  I'm not so sure if I like that Shemp fellow!" said Ollie.  "I hate them!  They're ugly!" said Stan coldly and childishly.  "Would you rather we go to the police?  I rather like them!  They're the best detectives in town!  I hope they put Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky behind bars for good!" said Ollie as he sat down and wrote a letter and placed a photograph of Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky for evidence.

The letter said, "These thugs that were chasing me and my friend were after us for a long time.  All because we witnessed them kill someone for giving them a dirty look.  They've stolen our money, my friend's suit, and our possessions.  Here's a photograph I had taken of the culprits.   Signed, Oliver Hardy."  While Ollie wrote that letter, Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky sneaked in through the window and grabbed Stan and carried him away without Ollie noticing.   Stan didn't make a sound because Sparky grabbed him by the mouth as he was being carried out of the window.

When Ollie was done writing the letter, he noticed Stan was gone.  Ollie assumed Stan was joking around.  "Okay, Stan!  This is no time to play hide and seek!  You can come out now!  Don't be afraid of Shemp!   Stan?....Stan?  STANLEY!" said Ollie as he frantically looked for Stan.  Then Iggy peeped through the window and threw a dart which stick in Ollie's behind.  Ollie took out the dart and saw Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky drive off in the direction of left. "NO!!!!!  They've kidnapped Stan!!!!  Those greasy thugs!" shouted Ollie.

Moe, Larry, and Shemp came back into the office.  Shemp asked, "Where's your wimpy half?"  Moe shoved him, "What happened, Ollie?" asked Larry.  "They kidnapped Stan!  And I saw where they went!  They went left of this building down the street!" answered Ollie.  "C'mon boys!  Into the paddy wagon!  And thanks for the evidence!" said Moe as he took the letter Ollie wrote and the
photograph.  "We're a-comin' to the rescue!" said Larry.  Shemp looked in their closet full of weapons of everything from guns to shovels and Shemp had taken out a hammer that looked like a large rubber mallet.  "I'm takin' along my trusty hammer! Hebebebebee!" said Shemp cheerfully as they headed into their car with Ollie following them.

Moe, Larry, Shemp, and Ollie got into their car and chased Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky's car in hot pursuit.  Moe was driving and Ollie was up front with him.  Larry and Shemp were in the back seat chanting, "We'll get those lookers!"  began Larry.  "Those crookers!" said Shemp.  "Save the victim!" said Larry, "We'll lick 'em!" said Shemp.  Then Larry and Shemp both said, "Cuz no guys named Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky are ever gonna beat us!  A-zoo! A-zah! A-zoh! A-zee! A-zam!"

To stop them Moe purposely ran over a speed bump, which resulted in everyone getting their heads bumped on the top of the car.  "Be careful!" shouted Ollie.  "Nice going, Moe!" said Larry.  "Shut up!  There's no time for horsin' around!" shouted Moe.  "I can't wait to get those guys!  I'll bop 'em all over the head with my trusty hammer!" said Shemp as he proudly displayed his hammer.  When the chase was over, they found themselves at a haunted house.

Later on, Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky showed their boss, Dr. Lopez, a mad scientist who was inventing a serum that turns humans into gorillas, their victim, Stan.  "Throw him on that rack!  I'll use this serum on him!  Good work boys!”   Stan was soon tied to the rack and didn't scream for help because he really didn't know what was going on.  "What are you going to do with me?  Get me off this thing!" pleaded Stan.   Dr. Lopez came at Stan with a shot and dispatched Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky to find Ollie.  Stan began to cry in fear.  "BUT I DON'T WANNA GET A SHOT!" he shouted.

Moe, Larry, Shemp, and Ollie ran from their car and into the haunted house.  Once they were inside, the door slammed shut unexpectedly.  Everyone screamed.  "Oh, Stan!  Stanley!  It's me, Ollie!  Where are you?  Can you hear me?"  Ollie called out.  "They probably have him in a safe place where he can't hear us." suggested Larry.  Moe slapped Larry and said, "No one asked for your theories, smarty-pants!"   Shemp looked around armed with his hammer, "Where are they?  I'll be the first to get 'em, via my hammer!" said Shemp.   Moe had taken the hammer and hit Shemp on the forehead with it.  "Quit messing around and look for this gentlemen's friend!" ordered Moe.

They looked all over the house, and eventually ran into Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky, and their boss Dr. Lopez … they all had guns in their hands.  "So, it's you!" said Moe to the bad guys.  "He looks like a mad scientist!" said Larry. Shemp took a look at Dr. Lopez and said in a “Bela Lugosi” voice, "Ve'll ve be purr-fect for your expir-lements?"  "Don't encourage them, Shemp!  Where's my friend?!" shouted Ollie to Shemp and Dr. Lopez.  "You asked for Stan?  Here he is...." said Dr. Lopez as he left for a minute to get Stan, and came back with a gorilla.  "Here he is!  He's now a gorilla!  Thanks to my new serum!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Dr. Lopez evilly.

"Let's get them!" shouted Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky together.  Stan was now a ferocious Gorilla.  Moe, Larry, Shemp, and Ollie ran and screamed.  Dr. Lopez and his men all shot their guns at them, but missed, so they ordered Stan the Gorilla to chase after them.  The chase began.

Iggy, Ooky, Sparky, Dr. Lopez and Stan chased Moe, Larry, Shemp, and Ollie all over the house.   Moe, Larry, and Shemp huddled together.  "We need a plan!" said Larry.  "No, duh!" said Shemp.  "I would really like to hear a good plan!" said Ollie.  "Think you empty-headed numbskulls!" said Moe.  Suddenly Shemp had an idea, "I got it!" he exclaimed.  "What?" asked Moe and Larry.  "We'll get some grease, poor it on the floor and watch them slip by and wham!  I whomp them with my hammer!" suggested Shemp.  "That's the stupidest idea I have ever heard!" said Moe angrily as he punched Shemp in the face. "Okay!  Stop now!  We gotta get these guys!" said Ollie.

Then Dr. Lopez and his men were back; they ordered the Gorilla to beat up on them.  The Gorilla (Stan) grabbed Moe and Larry by the necks and lifted them and threw Shemp and Ollie on the floor on stepped on their necks!   Dr. Lopez laughed evilly.  "Look, they're being strangled to their graves!" laughed Dr. Lopez as he, Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky watched in enlightenment.  Shemp found his hammer on the floor and tried to grab it.  "Don't worry, I'll save you!" said Shemp who's voice sounded garbled.  "Reach for the hammer!" said Moe.

Shemp finally reached for his hammer and managed to knock the Gorilla in the stomach, which resulted in the Gorilla letting go of Moe, Larry, and Ollie.   "Wow!  Thanks kid!" said Ollie.  "Anytime!" said Shemp in triumph.  "But you won't get away from us!" said Iggy.  Ooky said, "We'll fill you all full of holes!"   "This isn't over, not by a long shot!" said Sparky as they got their guns and chased them out of the room and into another.   They ordered the Gorilla to follow them too.  Moe, Larry, and Shemp ran into a French butler knocking him over.  "Sacrebleu!" shouted the butler.  "We can talk this over like gentlemen!" shouted Ollie.  But Dr. Lopez, Iggy, Ooky, the Gorilla and Sparky shot at them and they all screamed.

They ran into another room.  "Too bad this house doesn't have secret bookcases!" said Larry.   The bad guys were tired and out of breath from running around and chasing them.  This gave Moe, Larry, Shemp, and Ollie the opportunity to stop them.  "I know they couldn't chase us forever, those wimps! Hee hee hee hee hee!" laughed Shemp.   Suddenly the phone rang, and Shemp went to go get it.

"Hello?" answered Shemp as he picked up the receiver.  "Oh, Dr. Lopez!" called Moe.  "What is it?"  Dr. Lopez said as he entered the room.  "You got a phone call!" said Larry.  "Oh, I do, eh?" said Dr. Lopez.  "Yeah, it's for you!" said Shemp as he handed receiver to the doctor.  "Hello," Dr. Lopez asked and just then, Shemp hit him over the head with his hammer knocking him cold for good.

Ollie laughed.  "Even though you guys are immature, you sure are good at detective work!" said Ollie.  Right when they were about to leave the room, the Gorilla stopped them and they all quivered.  "Heebebebebebebebebeee!" screeched Shemp in fear that it was so loud that it irritated Moe's ear, and
Moe slapped him.  "What they matter with you, screaming in my ear?"  Then Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky snuck up from behind.  "You may have stopped our boss, but you won't stop us!" said Ooky.

 "I wish we can do something!  I can say we're at the end of our rope!" said Larry.  "See you on the other side, cretins!" said Sparky.  The Gorilla knocked out Moe and Larry by hitting them with his fists and shoved Ollie into a wall.   "That does it!  I may be a detective but I ain't no pushover!" said Shemp.  Just then Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky shot their guns missing again and Shemp danced around and jumped up and hit Iggy on the head knocking him cold.  Shemp did the same with Ooky, and eventually got to Sparky.

Right after Shemp subdued Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky, Moe and Larry got up and their heads were hurting.  They saw Shemp with his hammer.  "Nice work, kid!" complemented Moe as he patted him on the back.  "Great job!  How did you do it?" asked Larry.  "I owe it all to my trusty hammer!  I gotta tell you guys the story of how I held up some gangsters in a bar!" said Shemp.  Ollie got up and found some rope and tied up Dr. Lopez, Iggy, Ooky, and Sparky who were all still knocked out cold.  And Ollie finally came to terms that his friend Stan was now a Gorilla.

"The good guys win again!  And I owe it all to you guys!" said Ollie.  Just then the Gorilla comes up from behind them and roars.  And then Moe, Larry, Shemp, and Ollie screamed and jumped out through a window and the Gorilla was chasing them.  Once they were outside, they saw an old stretcher and got on it.  "C'mon boys!" ordered Moe as they all got on the stretcher and sailed away with the Gorilla still chasing them.  They were going down the street with cars honking at them and they were even holding up traffic!  "Heebebebebebeee!" shouted Shemp as the stretcher sailed on.  Then the French butler who was walking on a sidewalk sees the stretcher and it knocks him over and then the Gorilla steps on him. "Sacrebleu!" shouted the French butler.  The stretcher goes through another street, Ollie couldn't take the speed.  "I don't know how you guys could handle this!" said Ollie.  "I think it's fun!" said Shemp, and then Moe hit him in the face.  "I'll get that Gorilla!" said Shemp as he got out his hammer and he swung it at the Gorilla. He hit the Gorilla in the stomach, which resulted in the Gorilla getting pushed into the street and then hit by a trolley.  "Success!  Success!" shouted Moe, Larry, and Shemp as they all shook each other's hands.

The stretcher stopped, and everyone got off.  Ollie tells them, "You know I learned something today!" starts Ollie.  "What's that, Ollie?" asked Larry. "That there's more to life than putting up with a dumb, moronic friend!  I've decided to go to Las Vegas!  And you guys taught me that I can live my life without Stan!" said Ollie.  "Well, that's good!  At least there's nothing holding you back now, Ollie!  No dumb friend, no hoodlums!" said Moe.  "Well, bye for now!  Thanks for all your help, men!" said Ollie as he walked off.  "No, thank you!  Bye!" said, Moe, Larry, and Shemp together.

"Well, I guess that's another case closed! " said Shemp as he accidentally hit Moe and Larry with his hammer into the ground.  And Moe pretended not to get mad, and neither did Larry.  They both got up and laughed.  "You guys aren't mad at me?" asked Shemp.  "Of, course not!" said Larry.  They continued laughing until Moe took the hammer and was about to hit Shemp with it.  Then, Shemp screamed and ran away and Moe and Larry ran after him.   "Come back here, you knucklehead!" shouted Moe.  "We'll moider you!" shouted Larry.  "That's my line!" shouted Moe at Larry as he kicked him in the back.  Shemp ran down the street screaming and Moe and Larry chased him on with Moe armed with the hammer, into the city and then the sunset.

THE END.


CAST:

Moe Howard
Larry Fine
Shemp Howard
Oliver Hardy
Stan Laurel
Vernon Dent (as Dr. Lopez)
Kenneth McDonald (as Iggy)
Philip Van Brant (as Ooky)
Emil Sitka (as Sparky)
Edgar Kennedy (as the French Butler)  ;)